To be or not to be...

Going to SINALE these day has been very funny. Marcia Abreu’s discourse was just cool, talking so nicely about something which is a uncomforting at Letters course: we feel tense all the time that someone will appear talking about an unknown subject and observes (based on your “no” after his/her “do you know…” question) – but you are in Letters course, and sometimes our own classmates are “bullying us”.

I feel kind of afraid of being a teacher and not having the background I’m supposed to. I mean, I don’t think I gave the ordered attention to some points and don’t feel I can answer students’ questions yet. In fact, I would like to work as a translator in future, but I feel I don’t have the basic English to read a whole book. And when I went to Carla’s, Regina’s and Betânea’s expositions I felt guilty that I am not worried enough about this aspect of my under graduation: I’m graduating to be a teacher – what will I do?

I talked to a friend today and she told me she asked her students not to talk about grammar with her, only about literature, but I don’t think that’s a good solution – or even a solution.

I don’t feel safe with Portuguese nor with English. I mean, I can get good grades but I don’t feel like really knowing that and it sounded kind of cruel when Regina asked why do teachers don’t effetely graduate as teachers, but keep on depending on extra courses later.

I asked myself how that was possible. And I remember that at the begging of the course there were certain students of whom I already had the impression that would have this destiny. Back then I wasn’t as involved as I am now with this feeling of social responsibility, I mean, I didn’t have all these expectations of ‘walls to be climbed’ by education to change people’s reality, it was as if I’d graduate and work and that was about it, no problems in getting a job or in the job. But now I have a strange wish of continuing studying here for a long time, as if I didn’t want to finish my studying, and of coming work only here, teaching people who are already able to learn with no difficulty, not facing the terrible high school out there, as if university was a beautiful dream: we know the society’s problem and tell people how to solve it, but don’t have to do it ourselves.

Fear what concerns to my job – that’s not good at all.